UNDeRSTAND me, please

Taeyong has always stressed his desire to understand and be understood by others.

We first came across the memorably spelt UNDeRSTAND phrase when Taeyong got it tattooed above his elbows back in 2019. UNDeR above his left elbow and STAND above his right. Those of us familiar with Taeyong’s inner circle would be aware that artist NOVO is a close friend of his and was the inspiration behind these tattoos. UNDerSTAND is one of Novo’s creations and key signatures. According to Taeyong, it basically means to “be an understanding person, who stands up from the bottom” and that he wants to be understood by others.

A very sensitive soul, Taeyong has shared many parts of his life with fans on Vlives and his candid and sincere communication has engendered many discussions as to what has happened to him in his past, how he has managed to overcome the challenges and tribulations of training to become an idol, and where he is today – someone markedly different.

You see, Taeyong is finally coming into his own. About to turn 27 and literally a year or two away from his crucial Saturn return and subsequent enlistment, Taeyong is in a reflective and evaluative phase of his life. Since 2020, he has had two career breaks which have been due to ‘health’ reasons and for a recurring ‘back injury’. He has created many social media platforms including his own Instagram account, TikTok account and YouTube channel.

He has also created a large body of his own work on Soundcloud garnering him thousands of new fans eager to hear what he has to offer next. Taeyong experienced a taste of creative liberation with his Soundcloud uploads which gave him a chance to showcase his writing, composition and singing skills as well as the conceptual artistic direction of his song teasers. At the time, Taeyong seemed genuinely happy and content with being off schedule, but with the latitude to continue working on his own material at his own pace.

Then came the explosive success of Sticker and the Favorite comeback cementing his role within NCT 127 as their leader. Sticker was 127’s most successful comeback ever and was testament to the growing popularity and success of the group he helped build. This was followed by NCT 127’s first even live concert in nearly 2 years in Seoul- The Link- which reinvigorated him as he was finally able to express himself and his art on a stage in front of a live audience. We were blessed with his funky solo Moonlight and the rather rambunctious performance he gave for it.

It is here also, where we first saw his new tattoos – a crown above Ruby’s head, a large what appears to be Astroboy/Atom tattoo on his left hip, and the now infamous Rude Boy tattoo on his right shoulder. Suddenly, Taeyong the shy, timid and soft-spoken leader of NCT had become the confident, sensual rock and roll player on stage belting out high notes effortlessly.

Whilst Taeyong has always had a charismatic stage presence, something was very different about post-hiatus Taeyong. Call it natural maturation. Call it seeing the power of his own music and work. Call it finally seeing his own growth potential and the endless possibilities imminent. No matter what you call it, Taeyong today is a different man. Something has definitely shifted. The viral sensation that Zoo became and the subsequent success of his collaboration with Wonstein, Love Theory, are all indicators that 2022 was a turning point for Taeyong both professionally and personally. However, nothing prepared fans for the Taeyong they saw at NCT 127’s The Link concert at the Tokyo Dome in May 2022. Taeyong performed Moonlight and Himalaya once again, however this time he was joined by several more tattoos to add to his already growing collection. Taeyong’s stage performance now went beyond simply being captivating, to being intentionally sexy – full of zesty flair, outright seduction and exuberant confidence.

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All this energy and emotion however, culminated in an explosive emotional outburst at the Tokyo Dome live concert. Towards the end of Dreams come true it appeared as though Taeyong was teary-eyed. Something made him incredibly emotional- years of hard work and turmoil, ridicule and public derision finally led to this fortuitous moment; he had finally achieved his goal of performing for fans at the reputed Tokyo Dome. During Taeyong’s final ment, something else was also released. The restraint and inner-held emotions he’d kept a lid on publicly for so long, erupted in a moment of candid revelations of gratitude as well as an honest admission of his lacking performance as the group’s leader. Seeing Taeyong overwhelmed by tears and emotion, the members came to his support at this moment.

Fans empathised with his tears but were also confused and frustrated by his self-deprecating talk of somehow lacking as a leader. Later that same evening, Taeyong sent some bubble messages to subscribers revealing some rather dark hidden inner demons – about being thankful and how a ‘kid’ like him needs to be ‘thankful’ and needs to know how to ‘appreciate’ things – the members beside him, the staff, the people that have raised them, those who have left; to not forget them and not ‘not act rash’ and become ‘a kid that can repay the company’.

Naturally, fans were concerned by this admission that appeared akin to a confession. One can only speculate what Taeyong meant by this and also must keep in mind that translations don’t always convey the correct nuances. However, one thing is clear -Taeyong has been carrying a rather heavy emotional and psychological burden these last few years. Could it be that he was planning on leaving the group and SM? Was he so unhappy that he would walk away from it all, only to have key individuals remind him to not ‘act rash’ and be ‘thankful’? We may not know for certain. However, one thing is clear; the scandals of which he was cleared of in June 2020, the death of his beloved pet Ruby, the recurring back injury which threatened his dance career, and his isolated and lonely feelings spurred on by Covid restrictions which meant he couldn’t perform live, couldn’t travel and couldn’t go out and meet his fans in person, all contributed to his rather fragmented emotional state.

At this moment, Taeyong remains in a somewhat personal limbo. This is clear to anyone who cares to ‘UNDerSTAND’ him. Does he continue leading the group he’s worked so hard to build and stay loyal to the company that trained him and gave him a chance at success? (note the term ‘repay the company’ in his bubble) Or does he take a leap into the unknown? That frightening place where the outcome isn’t clear and where success is not guaranteed? I think we all know what I mean by this last hypothetical question.

We cannot know the answer to this only Taeyong does. However, as fans, we should remind him that no matter what decision he makes, he must make it for himself. Not for his fans. Not for his company. Not for his perceived obligation to others. Not even for his family. Whatever decision he makes, he must make for himself. For his life. Because it is his life and his soul maturity that is at stake here. All we can do, is watch from the sidelines, offer emotional support, and remind him that despite everything, there are many of us desperately trying to ‘UNDeRSTAND’ him.

I will end here with a quote from famous author Nikos Kazantzakis whose literary masterpiece, The Last Temptation of Christ equally evokes admiration as it does revulsion. I dedicate these quotes to Taeyong in the hope he UNDeRSTANDs his fans and himself more robustly.

“Man cannot sprout wings unless he has first reached the brink of the abyss!”

“If I were fire, I would burn; if I were a woodcutter, I would strike. But I am a heart, and I love.”

Taeyong is a heart and he loves. I hope he realises this and learns to accept that love back.

original article by Sophie K.
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